Always, Sarah

Aw Crap. I'm 40.

For the last 2 years for my birthday, I've given somewhat of a countdown of life tips as I saw it - Almost 40 and To the Nines. Some kind of a reflection mechanism, I suppose.  I mean, that's what happens on birthdays right? Well, unless you're turning 10 or 21, when you're looking more forward than back.  I definitely am much older than 10 and 21, and once I turned 39, it was like - just be 40 already.

And just like that, it's here. 40. For. Ty. Fortay. It's not the new 30 or even the new black, it's just 40.  I can't really say I feel 30 because I'm 40, so this must be what 40 feels like. Right? Everyone seems to ask that question, how does it feel to be {fill in age here}.  It feels tired at 6:39am as I write this in Starbucks this morning, but it sure does feel good to be able to get out of the house and sit at Starbucks at 6:39am.  I doubt I would've done this at 20 and impossible at 30 because of the babies.

Once January 1st rolled around, while everyone was resolving to becoming better versions of themselves, I was thinking about 40 and how it didn't come super fast but much faster than expected.  I don't know why I thought 40 would feel different, because it doesn't. I thought 40 meant I was old, which I suppose I am to some but it really just means I'm older.  Just a few days ago, I came across a headline that said Jennifer Lopez is under fire on social media about not looking and acting her age.  Have you seen her lately, she looks incredible.  Did you know that she's still dancing like a Fly Girl? Amazing. She's 47.  A few of the things being said about her is that she should dress like a 47 year old mother.  What does that mean exactly? Should I be dressing like a 40 year old mom?? Is there a store for that? That sounds almost scary.  Unless that 40 year old mom was Jennifer Lopez, then let me embrace that wardrobe. Like, for reals.

Who made up the rules about each life stage looking, feeling and meaning a certain way? I talked about fitting in a mold here and

not to buy into it.  Just don't. There is no one else in this whole entire world who can tell you who you are at any age.  What I can tell you, however, is that time passes whether you want it to or not, so please -  do your thing.  And I hope that thing, whatever it may be is fulfilling for you and allows you to be the best you.  For a while there, I was concerned about fitting in this mold and I did an ok job, I think, but I still felt like there was more to it.  And then there was a time where I totally forgot who I was from lack of sleep - that's when I lost my mind and had babies 13 months apart.  Then one day, I thought to myself that it's time to take my life up a notch.  I was tired of the series of events I've allowed myself to settle in because it seemed safe, where I should be based on what others were doing.  But that notch was raised a tad bit higher, it's the notch of badassery.  Is that a word? Can I say that? Heck yes I can! My birthday. My blog. Let me whisper something to you real quick:

Badassery baby.

There are all these ideas, voices, desires, thoughts that are suppressed in our regular everyday lives because it doesn't make sense, it's not practical, it's not safe.  When I was younger, it was easy to suppress and throw it on the back burner because "I have all this time" but now, this morning as I pour my birthday wisdom to you as I sit next to a guy reading an old school newspaper drinking his black coffee, I know that time is what it is and it will only continue to go on with or without me making the best of it. 

So, here's to 40 and living this decade of badassery.  Here's to continued exploration of the land of possibilities.  Here's to feeling your age and appreciating it.  Here's to looking your age and liking it, even when it isn't what you expected.  Here's to my friends who will dance with me at the club tomorrow night even though it's passed all of our bedtimes.  Raise your coffee mugs with me friends, here's to Club 40.

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